clarity, he said

the night had aged. so had she, she thought to herself. why am I here? what am I doing? why do I feel stagnant, restless, unmoved, alone? she wanted to feel something else, anything else. and so she approached him. with wide eyes and a wide, empty smile, she lured him in with the hope of feeding herself. when he obliged, she felt a weight lifted. an anxiety lessened, a moment of hope and excitement appeared and temporarily replaced everything else.

and in a flash, it was over. she was back to that restless state of confusion, anxiety, and loneliness. he asked 'do you want me to stay?' and she didn't know. she didn't know who she was, what she wanted, how to proceed. her mind felt empty, yet it was so so full. full of past fears, full of worry, full of anxiety, full of what if's and i can'ts. so full she couldn't make sense of it.

but he could. he always could. even in the beginning. that night, he said to her 'you need clarity' and then he was gone. she was grateful, but it saddened her. she wanted to be better, be more, be confident, be happy, be secure and, most of all, be seen as okay, even if she wasn't. but he saw her, he always saw her for exactly what she was. she was okay, even if she needed some clarity. she was confident, even if she needed a push. she was secure, even if she needed some reassurance. and he was there in al lthe right ways. there and aware.

it's okay

it's okay that you want to shelter yourself from the uncomfortable carresses of affection. it's okay that you can only handle the smallest amount of physical touch. it's okay that you are allergic to true intimacy.

it's okay that you let your past define you, seemingly to a point of no return. it's okay that you were affected so greatly that you can't seem to return from it. it's okay that you don't even see it, the effects and the control and the suffocating hold that it has on your life.

it's okay that you are busy, that you immerse yourself in your work in order to feel less. to feel nothing. it's okay that you are completely and utterly selfish and mask that reality in your drive and ambitions and goals.

it's okay that you lied. about being happy, hiding your truth of unhappiness under the veil of being sensitive. it's okay that I believed you, that you convinced me.

it's okay that you don't want to work on yourself. it's okay that you don't want to progress emotionally, to be real, to be vulnerable. it's okay that you can't, that you don't know where to start, that any emotional talk is overwhelming for you. it's okay that it makes you angry. everyone gets angry. it's okay that you judge me for having feelings, for emoting, for being vulnerable, for showing you that I care, for being real, for being strong and open and facing my fears.

it's okay to not be okay. and to project your reality onto me. it's okay to make me seem crazy, to make me seem not okay.

 

until it's not.

promises

it was the first time anyone had ever promised me something. something big. something like this. and it was from you. you promised me. in a time of beautiful, raw vulnerability, you promised not to hurt me. you promised me you would be your best for me. you promised to always travel beside me, physically, emotionally. you promised to ride out the bumps. you knew that sometimes, it would take time to get there. you promised never to take us for granted, me for granted. you promised to share with me what we have, and what was to come.

and somewhere, somehow, you stopped. just like that, you stopped. you stopped being vulnerable. you stopped being your best self. you broke your promises. you gave up on me, you gave up on us. you took me for granted. you took us for granted. you stopped traveling beside me. you stopped sharing with me. why? why did that happen? why do people make promises and break them? why do people give up on vulnerability, on love, on compassion? why don't people see how short life is? why did I get caught up in the negativity? why did I let those words in? why did I trust you? why do I let them hurt me now? why do I still hold on to mere fragments of those beautiful words? the most beautiful words anyone has ever written to me...but they are empty now. and in this moment, my feelings parallel your words.

"For small creatures such as we the vastness is bearable only through love." - carl sagan

infectious

her poisonous air was infectious. she made others think. she made others do. she made others comfortable, loved, happy. she made others uncomfortable, sad, hurt. she made others question, search, seek for answers. she thought she knew everything. she could provide an answer to anything. but mostly, those answers were out of a selfish place. a place closed off to an outsider. of course, her ego was inflated like a balloon. she would take what was yours, she would let her own emotions get in the way of core, important, lasting values and foundations of friendship. of love. she let her own emotions get in the way of love. every time.

a fair-weather friend. a friend who was there for the good and bad, but left when it was bad for just a little too long. she was disloyal. a fake who fluttered out as fast as she fluttered in. a friend who dropped friendships quickly, easily, at any sign of unprofitable behaviour. a friend who, at the end, could only be described as self important.

she was a whirlwind. a summer affair. she required so much attention. more than any other friend. needy. she loved so hard. at first, she related. as time went by, the familiarities disappeared and true colours shone bright. like a rainbow of difference, seen by many. seen by all.

she had a deep affect on those around her. unstable. she knew her wavering confidence could be seen by her company. she was like a dream to some. a nightmare to others.

she came. she went. she is not missed.

he said

i saw something in your smile. in your eyes as well. it was pure. it was real. this change, this strange wonderful feeling was so displaced within my universe. 

my universe...funny how one can compare life to something so vast, so unknown and so very beautiful. it never made sense to me before.

are we stars? are we small planets made up of minerals and atoms that make up our own being? maybe we soar through galaxies bound for nowhere specific. travelling slowly through the mysterious darkness of space.

one year ago, i ventured out. further and further into uncharted territory until our paths crossed. you were flying through the universe so beautifully and vigorously. you were travelling fast. so fast i couldn't keep up. after time, we found a speed so comforting and so mutual. and we should never take that for granted. for the first time in my life i am not alone in this darkness space. and for the first time i am not afraid of it. i am with you. we are on a steady pace for an unknown spec of the universe. we will settle somewhere, so happy and so full of fun and adventure. i promise you. i promise you i will be my best for you. to always travel beside you, physically and/or emotionally.

life is unknown, vast and beautiful. thanks to you.

 " For small creatures such as we the vastness is bearable only through love. "  - Carl Sagan

she said

when I'm with you, I feel full. so full that I am unsure what to do next, how to proceed, or even what to say. so full that my thoughts are kind of cloudy. so full that my words fail me. I've never felt so full before from another human being. It's not the same as when I eat too much, or drink too much, or over-consume. It's not really of a physical nature, though it does have physical side effects. Side effects like elation, an elevated heart beat, butterflies, and excitement at what the future holds. It's emotional. I feel so full because you consume me. Your love, and my love for you. I am consumed by you, with you. And yet, miraculously, unlike anything physical, there is always room for more. There seems to be a never-ending pool of space allocated to feeling full with you. I hope that never changes.

aside from feeling full, I feel at ease. Being with you is so easy for me. I feel like I can be 100% myself when I am with you, and that is a hard feeling to find. I'm eager to hold onto that feeling. I know I can dance to whatever music I feel like and sing at the top of my lungs in front of you (or maybe with you?!) and not feel awkward or embarrassed or strange. Just the opposite. I know that I can cry and worry and stress and express negative feelings to you and not feel bad or discouraged or like I have to shelter my emotions. Just the opposite. I know that you will be there for me and listen and comfort and provide advice where it fits or if I need it. I know that you will laugh and smile with me when I need to release all those happy feelings I have by way of being a silly goofball. I know that when you look at me, you look at me without judgment and accept me for exactly who I am. I know that you know me. And yes, you will learn to know me even more as time goes by, and I desperately hope and wish that what you discover is something you remain in love with, something that grows your love for me, and something that never dies.

after the beginning

After the spring, after your birthday, after I left without warning, after I quit you coldly and quickly, after the beginning, you were never the same. I wondered what had changed so drastically upon our reconnect. I knew, I knew you were not the same. I called you out on this, I referred to your differences in comparison to the first attempt. I wondered why you didn't lean on me as much, why you didn't tell me things, why you kept more to yourself, why you were seemingly cold, why you weren't as caring, as open, as honest, as trusting, as sweet, as affectionate, as longing, as present. and so I blamed myself. I was the one who screwed it up, I thought to myself. I pushed him away in the beginning, and this is the reaction I deserve. he has built a wall, he is guarding himself, his feelings, his heart.

but oh how wrong I was. you never told me about her, about the other woman, about your relationship that was consuming you.

I wanted more from you. I told you so every time we were together, before, after, in between, even when you went away. I was honest, too honest. I wanted you to mimic what we had in the beginning. Why can't you give me that, again? I thought.  I kept in touch with you when you crossed the ocean. I yearned for you, I dreamt about you. those exciting moments when I would receive an email from you, from Germany, from far away. He cares, I thought. He still cares, even if he can't have a relationship because of work. He says he is consumed by work, he cannot give, but he must still care. He still cares.

but oh how wrong I was. you never told me about her, about the other woman, about your relationship that was consuming you.

she was at a holiday party, 'tis the season. as it turns out, so was my best friend. your name was mentioned in a sentence that included the words 'ex' and 'boyfriend'. my best friend pieced things together, mentioned me, mentioned 'us'. and the girl, she was on a first date. she thought you were something special. so did I. she was closer to you than I was. you trusted her more. she had keys to your flat. she cried when she heard. of course she cried. she was your girlfriend. when I heard, I was filled with anger. the kind that made me want to run. run fast, run far, run away, never stop running. shut out the world. the kind that made me question humanity. why do people lie? why are people so dishonest and deceitful? can you ever really trust someone? the kind that made me clench my fists until my knuckles were white with strain. soon after, I was confronted with guilt. guilt that made me feel like I was punched in the stomach. resentment, regret, disbelief, hatred, sadness, betrayal, defeat, feelings resembling that of a deflated balloon. they followed. how did I not know? how could I be the 'other woman'? that isn't me. that is not me. I just wanted to be your friend. I just wanted you in my life. I just wanted you to remain a good thing. a happy thing.

After the beginning, you became unrecognizable. a poison in the lives of not one, but two innocent women. 

the drive

a while ago now, we drove. we appeared in a black car, with tinted windows and comfortable seats. we drove for what seemed like forever. we drove through darkness into the light of the early morning. we sat there, in each others presence, in each others comfort. we sipped on warm green tea, told stories, and laughed. there was a playful air about.

and yet, the point of the drive, it seemed, was not just to be playful. instead, it was for you to show me your work. your work, as was understood in the very beginning, was intense. it posed as a warning sign. ever unpredictable, it left a question mark on the fate of what could be. it warned me to be cautious. after all, it had the ability to take you away from me. it had the ability to insist on change and never, never stagnate. until recently, this was scary. until recently, this was unsettling. until recently, I did not admit that above all else, your work creates an exciting environment of change. one that takes you outside the confining walls of this city and allows you to experience life. until very recently, I was naive to all of this.

as we drove, you showed me the tall buildings of your work, the grandiose campus, the beautiful waterfalls and moats and bridges and gardens. it was other worldly. it was fairytale-esque, as only a dream can be.

if this is your work, I thought, I finally get it. I finally understand the pull, the way it consumes you, the wonderful driving force it is in your life.

...and on that beautiful drive, it all made sense.

while it rains

she sits in the window of her old, drafty apartment, in the heart of the city. as the rain spits against the window, she takes a sip of warm lemon tea and ponders the year she's had. the people she's met, those who have come, those who have gone. she misses and longs for one, in particular. but it will never be. and she will never admit it. because it should never be. focusing on energies lost, she cannot continue to expel her love to a lost one.

lost. lost in her reflections, she realizes how much she learned about herself, about him, about life through that singular experience. gazing through the window she finds herself. startled by the woman, all the more wise, that she finds. despite the growth and changes, that short stretch of time, that singular experience, still lingers in her mind and heart.

her heart. her heart is one of gold. and with a strike of lightning reflecting on her glasses as she remains perched on her windowsill, she reverts her focus to the new loves in her life. the ones who also have hearts of gold. the ones that bring such joy, such support, such life, such wisdom, such optimism. the ones that make her life beautiful.

and as the rain pours down, she mirrors mother nature. if only with her thoughts.

inspiration

"Have you ever heard the wonderful silence just before the dawn? Or the quiet and calm just as a storm ends? Or perhaps you know the silence when you haven’t the answer to a question you’ve been asked, or the hush of a country road at night, or the expectant pause of a room full of people when someone is just about to speak, or, most beautiful of all, the moment after the door closes and you’re alone in the whole house? Each one is different, you know, and all very beautiful if you listen carefully." — Norton Juster, The Phantom Tollbooth





perfection

"I just want to let you know, I'm not sure I can do this anymore. I care about you, and I've grown to really like you over the past stretch of time. It's scary. I think you are funny, so very smart, intuitive, and supportive, among so many other great things. I think you are destined for greatness, and I think you have already achieved so much of that. The holidays were a wonderful glimpse into what life with you might be like. Your family is darling, really really beautiful people. But as far as I am concerned, I can't continue to feel like I'm not good enough for you, especially when I'm certain there is someone, somewhere out there that I am good enough for, despite my imperfections. 

It's been like this since the beginning, and it isn't the best feeling to start out a relationship with. I know you don't mean for it to come across that way, but it does. And I know it has been a problem for you in the past, and maybe it will be forever. I hope it isn't, because I can only imagine how tiring it must be to live life like that...Always in search of something more when maybe what is best for you is in fact right in front of you. I don't want to ask you to change, because I want you to be 100% of you when you are with me. And I also want to be 100% of me when I am with you. It's only fair. And it's the only thing that will work in the long run (or perhaps it won't). And right now, I don't think I'm ever going to be able to be 100% of me when I am with you, for fear of being, saying, or doing something that you are not okay with. Or that you want me to change. Or that isn't perfect. I am only human, after all.

The sooner you realize, and I mean really realize it, deep down, not just acknowledge on the outside, that perfection doesn't exist, the happier you will be. I wish I could tell you exactly how you might be able to achieve this, but I can't. I am willing to help you, though. I think that this realization could be applied to a number of areas of your life, not just relationships or love and companionship.

don't try to defend yourself or this or anything. just read this, and think. and take it in. these are my thoughts, so you can't do anything with them"

she let go

This beautiful poem was sent to me by my equally beautiful friend, Bethany:

She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go. She let go of the fear. She let go of the judgments. She let go of the committee of indecision within her. She let go of all the right reasons. Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she let go.

She didn’t ask anyone for advice. She didn’t read a book on how to let go. She didn’t search the scriptures. She just let go. She let go of all the memories that held her back. She let go of all the anxiety that kept her from moving forward. She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.

She didn’t promise to let go. She didn’t journal about it. She didn’t write the projected date in her Day Timer. She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper. She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope. She just let go. She didn’t analyze whether she should let go. She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter. She didn’t utter one word. She just let go.

No one was around when it happened. There was no applause or congratulations. No one thanked her or praised her. No one noticed a thing. Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go. There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn’t good. It wasn’t bad. It was what it was and it is just that.

In the space of letting go, she let it be. A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone for evermore. - Rev. Safire Rose

the art of distraction

to escape feelings of loneliness, you exist. you exist in my dreams, in my hopes and aspirations, in my past and future. you exist in my present, but only in the form of a bridge. you love, you live, you yearn for me. but in return you are a form of distraction. a stepping stone to what comes next. you are a reminder of all the time spent seeding through, wishing, hoping, yearning, and yet being disappointed. time, and time, and time.

this is the essence of the art of distraction. and a fine art it is. I'm an apprentice, you see. a real beginner to this strange and yet addictive world. one in which leaves me wanting more, yet also desperate to escape into a protective shell. a place where I can shield my emotions and hide from you.

but cower away I do not. even if, in my present, you act as a faint outline. a ghost of experiences past. though I strive to stay present, you force me to search for memories that have faded to mere moments. the ones that exist to remind me of what once was. of what could be. the ones that made me smile. the ones that made you smile. the habits that became comforts. the beautiful passing of time together. the strange and curious behaviours that become all too foreign as time goes by.

as time goes by... I realize, the art of distraction is nothing more than a momentary escape from the sombre traps of alone. important, always, is to recognize. to be self-aware. these days, well, I'm more aware than ever. aware that I'm no artist.

gold

Nature's first green is gold. 
Her hardest hue to hold. 
Her early leaf's a flower; But only so an hour. 
Then leaf subsides to leaf. 
So Eden sank to grief, So dawn goes down to day. 
Nothing gold can stay.
-Robert Frost

inspiring words

"It's just an accident that we happen to be on earth, enjoying our silly little moments, distracting ourselves as often as possible so we don't have to really face up to the fact that, you know, we're just temporary people with a very short time in a universe that will eventually be completely gone. And everything that you value, whether it's Shakespeare, Beethoven, da Vinci, or whatever, will be gone. The earth will be gone. The sun will be gone. There'll be nothing. The best you can do to get through life is distraction. Love works as a distraction. And work works as a distraction. You can distract yourself a billion different ways. But the key is to distract yourself. A guy will say, "Well, I make my luck." And the same guy walks down the street and a piano that's been hoisted drops on his head. The truth of the matter is your life is very much out of your control." - Woody Allen
  full article here

warning

I have to warn you. I have to look out for you. I know that your friends won't say it. I know that your family doesn't know it. but I know. the light that shines in my life from forces greater than myself, yourself, anything, anyone, allows me to see. I see your desperation. I see your burning pulse, beating so fast. I see it even when I don't see you. I hear it, from a distance. I have to warn you, not to rush. when you rush, you hurry through life, you miss crucial moments. you fail to understand who you really are. what you really want. who is good for you, and how, how they are good for you. you fail to move away from negative paths and onto something more positive, something filled with light. you know you rush, it's what you do. impatience is seeded deep within your dark character. but if you could slow down, you would see. you would know more. you would hurt less. you would heal. if could you slow down, you could be whole.

I have to warn you, not to settle. life is so short. life is singular. don't let your surroundings dictate your desires. those should come from within. and yet those should be muted. try to mute the voices, the constant noise, the constant chatter. the running thoughts, which paint a vivid picture of dancing words floating through space and time. don't settle because society says so. don't settle because another year has gone by. don't settle because of friends, family, jobs, houses, cars, school, exhaustion, boredom, restlessness. don't settle, for it will always lead to unhappiness.

 don't rush, don't settle. I had a dream, so I have to warn you.

lust

 ___________________________________________________________________

she can't let it go, she can't release it. she can't stop thinking about it. the endless sea of what if's cross her mind. she hums and haws about him. about her reaction to him. about that night. about effort. about time. about desire. about love. she wants to give up hope, but her hope is seeded so deep within her that she is unable. she recognizes this as both a blessing and a curse. something that can be so valuable in one setting and so unfavourable in another. all that was good about it wasn't. not for her at least. and yet, she could feel herself falling, falling softly into the night.

his touch, she remembers, was with such passion. it lasted all night. upon the first meeting. through the beautiful music. through midnight rides. through fireworks. through parties and people and strangers. through artistic expression. through exploring rooftops. through the terrible yet inebriating, freeing, enticing substances. through conversation full of meaning. through bed sheets. through the sunrise and chirping birds... and when morning finally came, she was beside herself. from that moment on, she treated it like an egg.  too fragile to handle at times, but perhaps that was just her mindset. meticulously thinking, over analyzing, aching out of excitement and the unknown. she thought "this is a dream come true", a deep lust of months passed, finally fulfilled. in that sense, she won. but in reality, winning is losing, because she can't let it go... even if she must.

_____________________________________________________________________

inspiration

“to love is to risk not being loved in return. to hope is to risk pain. to try is to risk failure. but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in my life is to risk nothing.” - Bob Marley

do better

in his eyes

like swimming pools of thought. mind racing thought. light, dark, hope, love, wonder, effort, strength, protection...thought. his eyes are the window to his soul. they illumiate him in the darkest of moments. they reveal his every move. they bring levity to any situation. they are curious, and curiosity is beauty. in his eyes, true colours shine. those colours depict caution, awareness, uncomfort. they are the only place where his pain is evident. they are the only place where his unhappiness transpires. a direct link to all that is honest and true within him. in his eyes, the creativity comes to life. like paint on a canvas, his eyes create wide brush strokes influenced by all that has passed in his life. and, in turn, represent all that is to come.