after the beginning

After the spring, after your birthday, after I left without warning, after I quit you coldly and quickly, after the beginning, you were never the same. I wondered what had changed so drastically upon our reconnect. I knew, I knew you were not the same. I called you out on this, I referred to your differences in comparison to the first attempt. I wondered why you didn't lean on me as much, why you didn't tell me things, why you kept more to yourself, why you were seemingly cold, why you weren't as caring, as open, as honest, as trusting, as sweet, as affectionate, as longing, as present. and so I blamed myself. I was the one who screwed it up, I thought to myself. I pushed him away in the beginning, and this is the reaction I deserve. he has built a wall, he is guarding himself, his feelings, his heart.

but oh how wrong I was. you never told me about her, about the other woman, about your relationship that was consuming you.

I wanted more from you. I told you so every time we were together, before, after, in between, even when you went away. I was honest, too honest. I wanted you to mimic what we had in the beginning. Why can't you give me that, again? I thought.  I kept in touch with you when you crossed the ocean. I yearned for you, I dreamt about you. those exciting moments when I would receive an email from you, from Germany, from far away. He cares, I thought. He still cares, even if he can't have a relationship because of work. He says he is consumed by work, he cannot give, but he must still care. He still cares.

but oh how wrong I was. you never told me about her, about the other woman, about your relationship that was consuming you.

she was at a holiday party, 'tis the season. as it turns out, so was my best friend. your name was mentioned in a sentence that included the words 'ex' and 'boyfriend'. my best friend pieced things together, mentioned me, mentioned 'us'. and the girl, she was on a first date. she thought you were something special. so did I. she was closer to you than I was. you trusted her more. she had keys to your flat. she cried when she heard. of course she cried. she was your girlfriend. when I heard, I was filled with anger. the kind that made me want to run. run fast, run far, run away, never stop running. shut out the world. the kind that made me question humanity. why do people lie? why are people so dishonest and deceitful? can you ever really trust someone? the kind that made me clench my fists until my knuckles were white with strain. soon after, I was confronted with guilt. guilt that made me feel like I was punched in the stomach. resentment, regret, disbelief, hatred, sadness, betrayal, defeat, feelings resembling that of a deflated balloon. they followed. how did I not know? how could I be the 'other woman'? that isn't me. that is not me. I just wanted to be your friend. I just wanted you in my life. I just wanted you to remain a good thing. a happy thing.

After the beginning, you became unrecognizable. a poison in the lives of not one, but two innocent women.