is peace possible?
i'm trying so hard to follow in the footsteps of my higher power
to be peaceful like maria montessori in all my affairs
to avoid drama like the plague
to exude serenity, love, kindness, and tolerance
to gossip less, to be more forgiving, to see the light in everyone
but you make it so fucking hard
you talk endlessly to them about me
you play the victim role flawlessly
convincing others of my unfairness
when there has been nothing unfair about my boundaries
except that they do not serve the hunger you possess
for a reunion, for an emotional rollercoaster, for a blame session, for whatever life of avoidance and denial you wish to live
i have not seen, heard, or felt that you are aware of just what was wrong with your reaction to the news that my childhood was robbed from me
and there is no victim card being dealt over here; just facts and a great awareness of what i survived
i wish you well, i pray for you, i want you to be happy with your life, but i cannot help you in that endeavour
i cannot fix your mistakes and i cannot soothe your pains
i am only responsible for my side of the street and everything, everything in my body and soul screams 'it's not right to have you in my life'
so after a night of questioning from family members who are tired of your incessant poking and prodding about me and my life
of the guilt that arises when i'm questioned if i'd ever just sit down and talk to you, offers of empty support
i find it necessary to write and remind myself why you're not in my life
you're the kind of person who uses babies as bait, who never wanted children, a codependent of a serious nature, who runs from any remnant of realness
you are sick, an illness occupies your truth
i pity you, and i pray. i pray i pray i pray you find the help you need.
i'm just not it.
