sipping wine as my best friend is passed out upstairs with her toddler at 9:30pm on a friday night
the same toddler that was once a baby. we met him together for the first time, when my best friend was a new mom and I was intoxicated by new baby everything, ready and pining for my own little being
sipping wine as i lay here alone on the couch, contemplating the last several months and years of my life
the ones that have been home to so. much. growth. and change, and love and loss. and gratitude.
i am riddled with questions i want to ask you, but know i'll likely never get the chance
some people say it's closure that never came, but what is closure? how do you define it? is it the same or different for each person? what if your closure was the moment things fell apart, and mine has yet to come because I wanted another chance? what if closure simply doesn't exist?
questions like how did you watch me drink wine, all night long, in front of you, in love with you, when you hadn't even done a fourth?
how did you possibly think our relationship would be a success when you hadn't finished your steps?
how did you think your underlying resentments and restlessness wouldn't affect our partnership?
how did you avoid your past so intently when you saw me confronting mine on a day to day basis?
how did you present as such a solid, stable person when you hadn't dealt with your trauma?
how did you seem to communicate so well with me?
how did you survive me? the person who decided she was 'good' and went off her medication? the medication that helps regulate her brain functions
and how are you now? despite it all? are you okay? are you happy? are you dating and have you maybe possibly found a lasting love that isn't me?
i'm waiting. for my higher power to put someone in front of me. for guidance from this life. no longer searching, but rather finding peace in the every day and in my own company. i wish i could share what i've learned with you. i wish i could call you, email you, text you and say 'want to talk?'i'm not sure i'd know where to begin. but isn't a genuine 'how are you?' a good start?
i miss you. not the idea of you, but you. brushing our teeth together arm in arm, waking up together, holding hands in the car together, your smile, your eyes, your smell. i miss you. the person who was supposed to be my forever.
