the first date

I arrived earlier than you to the restaurant. I fidgeted with my shirt. I hate dating. Keep it tucked in or untuck it and be more laid back? I went with the latter, because I was self conscious and it hid more. When you walked in, I immediately thought "he is way better looking in person than in the pictures". I thought there was no way this gorgeous specimen of a human being could ever be into someone like me. You made a joke about how we were wearing the same thing. I thought it was cute, you were such a charmer. I was intimidated, I was surprised at just how much I liked you from the very beginning, from before we even met face to face. Seeing you in the flesh only solidified it. I was nervous, I was the most nervous I had ever felt in a long, long time. You seemed so calm, so relaxed, so at ease. Like you had done this a million times. Later I would come to learn that you don't really get stressed and I would be envious. You told me about your amazing travels, about your amazing job. I remember having to consciously close my mouth so I didn't just stare at you with a shocked look on my face. I remember thinking 'he is perfect, how can he be single, why has he succumbed to the world of online dating?'. Our conversation went so well. We had so many things in common, more things in common than I have with my best friends. With anyone in my life, really. I remember thinking I shouldn't have any alcohol because I was on medication. But then you suggested we get a bottle of wine. You were perfect. I couldn't say no. I could never really say no. When we said cheers, you made sure to look into my eyes and I loved it. I remember thinking 'his eyes are like warm caramel'. When you left for a bathroom break, you made a joke about how I shouldn't pay. Since I was so surprised by how much we connected from the beginning, I decided to surprise you with getting the bill. I wanted to make you feel good. I wanted to show you the type of person I am. You were pleasantly surprised, but still mysterious and I couldn't read you. You asked if I wanted to go to your place for a drink. I didn't know this was what you do. I didn't know the establishment chosen for our first date was premeditated based on it's proximity to your house. But none of that mattered then. It didn't matter that I shouldn't have had a lick of alcohol, it didn't matter that I should have politely declined and gone home like a lady, it didn't matter that I worked the following morning, it didn't matter that my inner voice was warning me 'player, player, player'. None of it mattered because I was surprised by the connection, to the point that if I wasn't forcing myself to speak, I would have been speechless. We went to your house, you offered me a cold can of keith's. I worried that I would taste like beer. I remember being intimidated. I remember thinking there is no way this guy should be into me, there is no way he should be single, because I don't have my shit together, and he does. He is the picture of perfection, so I thought. Your success, your life, your apartment, your job, you- you intimidated me. But I let you...oh did I ever let you.