when the story ends..does it ever *really* end?
November seems so long ago. I was still me, but I was a damaged version. I didn't have any direction. I just got home from Europe. I was sick. I was tired. You tried to make things better. It worked, for a little while. I let you like me. I let you put me at the top of your radar. I let you treat me like I was the best thing that had ever happened to you. Remember when you asked me where I had been all your life? I let you tell me it felt like you had known me forever. I let you spoil me. I let you take over my calendar. I let you let me in. But I was skeptical. I wasn't sure if I was ready for something serious so soon after having my heart crushed. I wouldn't call you my boyfriend. I saw an end date. I saw the issues and I didn't want to live with them. I resisted. I didn't have a boyfriend. I just had an old one. One that broke me. And I was still working on mending that. He slashed me open. But in hindsight, he slashed deep and clean, whereas you just slashed everywhere and made a mess. You're still making a mess. It was kind of like pulling off a bandaid with him. It was a clean wound. The type that bleeds profusely for a while but starts to heal after time. The type that, as it's closing, makes you realize that it really is going to be okay. That it was for the best. There were no games with that one. No, that was the purest form of heartache I've ever felt. And boy did it hurt. But it ended. And it wasn't messy like the marks you left. You like messy. It's all you know. But I don't. I don't understand it, it isn't peaceful. Last time it hurt, but it made sense. And it ended. This time it is nonsensical. And it's never over, even when it is. Maybe I don't want it to be. Maybe it's just something different. Maybe it doesn't have to end. I hope not. Maybe it just has to change. It shouldn't be so messy.
Change is inevitable. So much has happened since November. I'm healthy, I'm happy, I'm working in a job that has a much better future than my previous one. You know how I feel about the future. I'm looking forward to spring, summer, time with my friends and family. I'm being present and living in the moment. I'm focusing on right now. I'm focusing on the love that surrounds me. There's an awful lot of it. I'm lucky. I'm not looking for it. I'm just accepting it. The way that I accepted you. But I'm getting tired of accepting you. I care about you. But you have to care about yourself, too. I just want to shake you. Do you really want to heal? Do you really want to be whole? I don't believe you. Prove it. Be my friend. Confide in me. Let me help you. Treat me like a human being. Show compassion. Open up your soul. Accept. Forgive. Stop being selfish. Stop using me. Stop making a mess. Start being patient. Start the process. It's not quick. It's not painless. It's not easy. Start now. And then maybe your story will come to an end. Or at the very least, change into something a little less messy.
