To say I'm sorry at this point holds little meaning. A friend said she will make as many amends as possible, one hundred times if necessary in order for her to finally stop. I can leave you alone, and I have. But I have moments of weakness where I want to reach out...
...because how on earth can you want to marry someone and commit to spending your life getting to know their intricacies and details of their personality to then not only stop talking, but become completely void of that very special person in all ways and all faucets of your life.
It is inherently unnatural to me. To share everything and then nothing at all.
I'm not very sentimental with objects and consider myself a minimalist in terms of 'things' but boy I do not subscribe to that with emotions.
I want to ask you how you are. I want to look into your soul and tell you that I see you, the true you. Not the angry, strong, solidly fierce, quiet and ever so private front you wear. The real you, the one capable of tears and intimacy and softer than most could ever understand. The true soul behind that thick wall. Someone who held my face and looked into my eyes with wide wonderment, a curiosity bred out of nothing but love and endless support.
So sometimes, yes, sometimes I cave. Because all of that is too much for me and I can't understand why we can't talk. As two human beings who loved. With no expectations and nothing but genuine curiosity and love for the other person in their process in this life. Not because I want to date you, be yours, possess your affection or be given another chance. But because we are human, here for such a short time, capable of so much growth.
I hope you are well, and I promise to keep trying to leave you be. It's part of my process, and I know I'll get it right one of these times. Until then, I'm sorry for the hundredth time.
