you are simultaneously two people.
the first is the love of my life. the man of my dreams. the wonderful person who thinks of me fondly, whose smile brightens my heart and who always answers my phone calls and messages. who loves me for me, and who feels my love. who wants a forever with me, who wants to spend our days together in each other's presence. a kind soul, one who listens and calms my nerves, one who i can count on.
the second is someone i don't know. someone i don't want to know. someone who spits out hurtful adjectives, phrases, and sometimes, paragraphs. someone who is unkind and deliberately pushes away anything positive. someone who focuses intently on the negative, unwavering in his concentration and purpose to hurt. moody, narcissistic, angry. someone who forgets everything, avoids me at all costs. someone who is seemingly allergic to me and any idea of an 'us'. someone i don't like.
the worst of it all is, you can't tell. you always think you're the first. there is nothing wrong. you project, you manipulate, and then you leave. and you don't do it kindly. you don't do it nicely, you do it as painfully as you possibly can. how much salt can i pour into her wounds? how big of a scar can i make? you drag your nails through and through and through my innards and i am reminded of the pain every day, every night.
i want to meet the first person again.
