The experience of certain feelings can seem particularly pregnant
with desire for resolution: loneliness, boredom, anxiety. Unless we can
relax with these feelings, it’s very hard to stay in the middle when we
experience them. We want victory or defeat, praise or blame. For
example, if somebody abandons us, we don’t want to be with that raw
discomfort. Instead, we conjure up a familiar identity of ourselves as a
hapless victim. Or maybe we avoid the rawness by acting out and
righteously telling the person how messed up he or she is. We
automatically want to cover over the pain in one way or another,
identifying with victory or victimhood.
Usually we regard loneliness as an enemy. Heartache is not something
we choose to invite in. It’s restless and pregnant and hot with the
desire to escape and find something or someone to keep us company. When
we can rest in the middle, we begin to have a nonthreatening
relationship with loneliness, a relaxing and cooling loneliness that
completely turns our usual fearful patterns upside down.
