today is a day where despite the sun shining in the sky and on my face and skin, my mind is full of clouds. Not the kind that are full of random thoughts and fluff and daydreams, but rather the kind that feel thunderous and loud and really irritable and impatient.
these days happen. Maybe it's because I'm a woman and apt to hormonal changes. Maybe it's because I default to wanting to control my surroundings. Maybe it's because I'm alone and have been for a long time. Maybe it's a myriad of reasons. Acceptance is the best answer to the swirling clouds in my mind. Accepting that they're here for today but hopefully not tomorrow. Their disappearance contingent on what kind and quality of work I'm doing. Not being in the business of half measures. Flexing the muscles I know so well and so intimately by now: gratitude, kindness, compassion, service, and empathy. Empathy not only for you and my fellow human beings but for myself. Empathy for my process and my path and the lessons that come from moments with a cloudy mind.
In all reality, I could probably use a chat. A real, honest, transparent chat. With someone who cares how I am doing in life. With someone who gets me. I could probably use a debrief from this weekend away with family, where I have always felt like a black sheep and where addiction hangs heavy in the air and is never, ever addressed. I could probably talk about how he tried to control parts of my life to make himself feel better. How he wanted me to fit a particular mold that he had built in his mind and as soon as I didn't fit one aspect of it, he tore me down. And, well, how I let that happen. And I kept letting it happen. I realize things daily about the past and can only go forward. I realize little lessons that have meaning and value and create humility in me. The type of lessons that will be carried with me into the next part of my life.
My higher power either is or it isn't.
And today, despite my cloudy mind, I choose the former.
With willingness, honesty, and open-mindedness, even on the hardest of days.
Commitment is a journey.
