when it comes on, it feels like a tidal wave. a tidal wave of thick tension: my jaw seizes, my muscles tighten, my eyes well up, my body gets hot. and then I can't breathe. it knocks the wind out of me sometimes. i sit in silence and weep. i weep for the child inside me who had to grow up too fast. i weep for the adult version of myself who has seen so much pain. more pain than she would wish on her worst enemy. i weep for the people i've lost, for the failed relationships, for the people who are unaware. i wish self awareness was inherent in humans. there is a certain clarity that comes with self awareness. a clarity as clear as crystal after a storm, when the rain dries and the sun shines. a clarity that is unavoidable. and thats when you are forced to sit with the pain, the grief, in whatever form it wants to show that night.
