holy shit

Ancient holy wars
Dead religions, holocausts
New regimes, old ideas
That's now myth, that's now real

Original sin, genetic fate
Revolutions, spinning plates
It's important to stay informed
The commentary to comment on

Oh, and no one ever really knows you, and life is brief
So I've heard, but what's that gotta do with this black hole in me?

Age-old gender roles
Infotainment, capital
Golden bows and mercury
Bohemian nightmare, dust bowl chic

This documentary's lost on me
Satirical news, free energy
Mobile lifestyle, loveless sex
Independence, happiness

Oh, and no one ever knows the real you, and life is brief
So I've heard, but what's that gotta do with this atom bomb in me?

Coliseum families
The golden era of TV
Eunuch sluts, consumer slaves
A rose by any other name

Carbon footprint, incest streams
Fuck the mother in the green
Planet cancer, sweet revenge
Isolation, online friends

Oh, and love is just an institution based on human frailty
What's your paradise gotta do with Adam and Eve?

Maybe love is just an economy based on resource scarcity
But what I fail to see is what that's gotta do with you and me

- father john misty

she let go

She let go.
She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.
She let go of the fear.
She let go of the judgments.
She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head.
She let go of the committee of indecision within her.
She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons.
Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.
She didn’t ask anyone for advice.
She didn’t read a book on how to let go.
She didn’t search the scriptures.
She just let go.
She let go of all of the memories that held her back.
She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward.
She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.
She didn’t promise to let go.
She didn’t journal about it.
She didn’t write the projected date in her Day-Timer.
She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper.
She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope.
She just let go.
She didn’t analyze whether she should let go.
She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter.
She didn’t do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment.
She didn’t call the prayer line.
She didn’t utter one word.
She just let go.
No one was around when it happened.
There was no applause or congratulations.
No one thanked her or praised her.
No one noticed a thing.
Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.
There was no effort.
There was no struggle.
It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad.
It was what it was, and it is just that.
In the space of letting go, she let it all be.
A small smile came over her face.
A light breeze blew through her.
And the sun and the moon shone forevermore…

- safire rose

slow descent

I say, my, my slow descent
Into alcoholism, it went
To my head, where I really need it
With the views that remain untreated

I say my, my, my, my slow descent
Into alcoholism, it went

Something like this song
Something like this song
Something like this song

Salvation holdout central
Salvation holdout central
Salvation holdout central

I say my ever loosening grip
On the commonest courtesies slipped
From my hands, when I really need her
When I need change for the parking meters

I say my, my, my, my slow descent
Into alcoholism it went

IT WENT.

- new pornographers

swinging

swing with me, swing high. higher

put your head back, feet outstretched, don't let go

swing up

only to swing down

swing past the pain and suffering you once experienced

swing beyond yourself and your ego

swing through the uncomfortable moments

because life is full of them

you need to do something to keep going

so swing away,

swing high

Higher

and maybe you'll meet your maker

it ends to begin again

When we met we seemed to be so aligned and it felt like we were both open to a new experience with dating and partnership. It felt like we spoke the same language and had a lot of shared interests. You were quickly becoming a really safe person for me which means a lot. Someone I could call if I had a bad day, celebrate the good days with, talk to about my addiction and my past without judgement. It felt real. I'm so grateful for that experience. You're a wonderful person and I want you to know that I see you.

I am also hurt. That your words didn't line up with your actions. You said last week you didn't want to end things. But your actions didnt show that. Regardless of what's coming up for me, which has been nothing short of painful and significant growth, I wanted to show up for this and I think I did. It feels like you did the thing you said you didn't want to do, which was push me away again instead of leaning into things and inviting this to be something. Your action of just shutting me out really hurt me.

I appreciate you communicating that some stuff was coming up for you this week. I really do. I know it's not easy for you. But I deserve a partner who doesn't shut me out. Who invites me into their mess, knowing I'm not going to adopt it as my own or try to fix it, but just sit there beside them as a support and an ally. That's what I wanted to be for you, but there seems to be no way to do that right now. Like I said last week, I want to find myself in a happy healthy relationship with someone willing to do the work. Your actions show the opposite of this right now. It's really sad and it's painful but it's your truth.

I miss what we had. I want to get back there but I know the only way is forward.

I hope you're okay. I care a lot about you. Growth is painful but it's part of this thing called life. I wanted to grow with you, but I realize before you're ready to do that you need to grow alone. Be strong and know that you're taken care of by a power greater than you.

One of us

falling for you was easy

you made it so

future tripping and saying sweet sentiments

you liked how I love ice cream and can't just have one bite

you held my fave when we kissed

you spoke of going on trips and being in one another's lives

months down the line

and then one day, after a mini getaway, after a week of growing feelings

you express you can't date

you're not okay with yourself

you can't be a good partner

you might be an alcoholic



... and I think to myself, as I lay here with tears streaming down my face, I was meant to meet you.

to become part of your journey, even if that switches tracks to friends.

though I don't know how to stop feelings dead in their path

I'm willing to learn

for nothing happens in gods world by mistake

(dis) trust

do the work they say

it'll lead you to what you want

manifesting

affirming

a relationship built on trust

loving

healthy

happy

committed

"trust is choosing to make something important to you vulnerable to the actions of someone else"

so you put yourself out there

you meet people and you welcome them into your world

you practice vulnerability and you share things in your own time, no longer right away

you've learned from the past and you put your best foot forward

"distrust is when what i have shared with you that is important to me is not safe with you"

caught in the middle. do I trust him or do I walk away? does he meet my needs, is he sent from my higher power, is he healthy, loving, happy, committed, or is he sick and maladjusted and unwilling to do the work?

time is my teacher

patience, grace, tolerance, and acceptance are my goals

god grant me those, please.

you

you are a distant memory now

an obsession and a fantasy that lasted far too long

but also taught me so much

about addiction

about true love

about growth

about truth

about honesty

about intimacy

what a gift, what an honour, what a beautiful moment in time

life is short and so very sweet, when you let go and let god

control will always be a struggle

to let go is not natural, but when i do, good things happen

new careers and new purposes are born

new people full of life and full of love enter my life

i am grateful. to you, to him, to the past and to budding love

two months

two months into the next year of your life and you're offered a permanence you didn't think was possible

a responsibility so much greater than self

to provide and to guide a group of children, in their life, in their development, in their becoming a human being in society

a job greater than any job that came before

one that keeps you insanely humble and grounded, being of service, outside of self eight hours a day

the fears and anxieties and feelings of not being good enough surface

but you use your toolbox to keep them at bay

for this path is one given to you by the universe

you didn't ask for it, but you are ready for it, even if you can't comprehend it sometimes

two months in and you're given a chance to stay forever in the place you feel so connected and so divinely inspired

this is not your will, this is not your doing, this is something bigger at work

stay present, stay connected, stay in service, stay close to the power that guides you

great things are coming to you

in sunny California

your being

a free soul

the kind that swims with sharks

the kind that picks up wayward hitch hikers

the kind that does better when she knows better

the kind that seeks

the kind that is so elated to be here, in this life

the kind that boards planes to foreign places

fear of the unknown never crosses the mind

running on adrenaline and dopamine

the thrilling unknown

what will you see?

what will you taste?

what will you hear?

what will you feel ?

in your mind and in your heart and in your body

in your soul of souls

you crave adventure

you seek someone to join you for this short spell on earth

to board a plane

to grow, together

to experience and ultimately, to live.

trapped in a web

Walking through a spider web

Visions of you and I on my mind spinning round and round 

Caught as if in a whirlpool 

I'm on the edge of sanity 

I can taste it

I want to know it like I know the insides of my best friends minds and souls 

In times I do

But sometimes the web catches me if only for a moment 

Disrupts my sense of reality 

Causes distortion in my vision and my presence 

Thoughts racing in as fast as shooting stars

Here and now are all I have in this life l; this I know, after much trial and error 

This vastness that's bigger and better and more

Beautiful than anything I've witnessed in the flesh 

We only have our creators to thank 

For cleaning up the spider webs 

When their entanglement becomes too much 

You always said you'd love

Me forever 

maladaptives

how does one date when they've been left with an intricate, delicate, sensitive sense of fantasy that they're seeking above all else.

because something wasn't provided.

i seek that thing i never had.
i seek to belong.
i seek to be seen and heard.
i seek to fight.
i seek strength within.

as soon as attraction sparks, i am left wanting more.

more of you, more of your love, more of your time, more of your justification, more of your approval and more of you, period.

because my own love is waning.

will it ever be enough?

i have maladaptive coping skills.

i've found ways to take care of my self, by chasing after you.

it works for a little bit, until it doesn't. and i want to die.

it's dissociative. it's not based in reality. it's adaptive and its cunning and it's fucking baffling.

the power is in my peers, my fellow maladaptives.

no one wants to stop

A white ghost, making his way up the west coast
Trying to focus his high hopes on a vagina or two
He's taking his chances
Meanwhile, back in his living room
Bright smiles are watching his toddler run speed trials
Over a grandmother's rug
And nature advances

Up the interstate
He's been awake
And pretty drunk for three whole days
No one wants to stop
Until they get to where they're going
I'll get to where I'm going pretty soon

So he takes another drink
'Cause watching the scenery bleed
Into each similar scene
Isn't as sweet as it had been in his dreams

It's faster to buy cigarettes and some cold beer
If you don't rattle the cashier
By asking her back to your room
She's calling security

Our car's on fire in the parking lot
And nobody wants it to rain
But God isn't listening
So all of the windshields glisten
The water and oil mix
Causing the fire to spread
To five or six innocent automobiles
Waiting in their nearby spots
What a cruel God we've got

Right on, right on, right on
Right on, right on
Right on, right on, right on
Right on, right on

So he takes another drink
'Cause watching the formula bleed
Into each similar thing
Isn't as sweet as it had been in his dreams

- david bazan

new city

new city

you scare me

driving your freeways and streets

encountering selfish people at every turn

something so simple as merging lanes taken for granted in my homeland

where people are considerate and let you in

making new friends

a task i accept

wholeheartedly

because i know i am exactly where i am supposed to be

in this moment, in this life

with children

under the sun

surrounded by mountains

filled to the brim with love and most of all

purpose.

the only person

boundaries are important

but no one will respect them

except yourself

you can't assume that anyone will hear you

or care

unless you care yourself

unless you put your own worth and value first

unless you model exactly what it means to have a boundary

it's a lesson, and it seemingly never ends.

timing

time is a funny thing

you want to have it on your side

but is it ever really?

you want to rewind it sometimes, too

add more of it to your life's queue

find it in places it never should have existed

seek more of it between the two of you

in hopes that it changes the course of things

but it just isn't something one can control

a total wildcard

the most independent of things

it just won't bend to be your friend when you want it

or your ego screams that you need it

it's bittersweet

just like meeting you

up against a strict timeline

and untimely controls

you let your fear win

but i can't be mad at you

i've let fear win, too.

too many times.

ride as fast as you can
they're shooting to kill.

oh what a feeling

oh what a feeling

to leave your life alone

all things that you take comfort in

your bed, your home, your jobs, your people, your street, your neighbourhood, your corner store, your community, your school

and embark on a new chapter

say goodbye to new love, new life, new meaning and new purpose, new sunshine and new budding potential

even if it's not forever but just see you soon

oh what a feeling it is

oh what a fear that exists

in the unknown pages

yet to be written, yet to be dreamed, yet to be lived

all you can do is be present and accept the unknown

because all you have is right now

thank the universe for that

the pressure is off

just for today

sweet Jesus

You're up with the sunrise
And down when the words bend down
With excellence, industry, diligence,
Naturally, I would like to be you just for a few habit-forming years
Laziness cuts me like fine cutting breed
I need a miracle, someone to help me, myself
Sweet Jesus, I need you
Forgive me, listen
Not hookers or heroin can blame your gin
It sounds so ridiculous but I just can't lick this
I need a miracle, someone to help me, myself
Someone to help me, myself

- David Shannon bazan 

number one offender

Resentment is the number one offender. It's like drinking poison and wishing the other person dies. This, I know.

I know first hand the feeling of resentment and how to get away from it. Forgiving and moving on and letting go and inviting a power greater than me to take control.

But today it is seething and boiling inside me. Unable to be quieted.

Today is a celebratory day for mothers. It's the hardest job in the world, and mine failed miserably.
She was given a chance to do better and make something of nothing and she didn't choose me. She didn't choose being a mother, she chose being a partner to a very sick man.

And today that stings. Today that hurts and it makes me angry. It is hard to imagine my life with a mother in it, since for so long I've made do without one. But on a day where the rest of the west is celebrating their triumphant motherly love, I am reminded of the failed relationship I tried hard to mend.

The woman who I tried to accept but couldn't. Because I'm not strong enough, or because I no longer have space in my life for people who do not see me for exactly as I am. Wounds and healing and commitment to growth.

I cannot pretend. Today or any day. That not having a mother's love has been an easy thing. That having a conditional relationship with a mother, based on keeping the peace, keeping quiet, and pretending to be fine, was not the most difficult task I took on in this life. But it's over now, and for five years I have lived my truth without her.

It's hard and it's sad and it's infuriating and it's the deepest form of pain and surrender I'll ever know.

But it was essential, for me to continue to grow. For me to keep on the path of greater self knowledge, for greater peace and, ultimately, greater love.

Love of my self.

plans and designs

we met because of a mutual friend who knows us both

who said we should meet

as innocently as that

perhaps built on the idea that we might just get along

have a thing or two in common

she wasn't wrong

but, and it's big

I'm leaving

not just the city, but the country

I have committed to not making my own plans and designs but rather relying on my higher power to reveal things to me

I believe we were supposed to meet

For some reason

Just like the man who came before you, and the one before him

Little lessons, little gifts from the universe, little nuggets of wisdom to be found in the relationships of my past and present

But how do I explain this? To you? So you can relax and just ride out the next few weeks with me?

I simply can't. For fear of creating my own plans and designs.

I'm committed to not having expectations, to relaxing and letting the universe take control.

Even though it's hard and unnatural, I know it's the only thing that'll bring longevity to whatever relationship I find myself in

And maybe, just maybe, it'll be with you.